Category Archives: Humor

Yeah, Go Ahead and Laugh!

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God has a fabulous sense of humor and often uses laughter to ease my tension. If you could hear this message, my drum roll of laughter precedes this confession.

I was sitting at my desk, checking my messages in WordPress, when the phone rang. I called out, “Steve, are you going to get that!”

“No,” he called back, “I’m at the front door.”

So hurrying to the phone, I picked up the receiver and shouted, “PRAISE GOD!” I stopped momentarily, shaking my head in wonderment. Remembering that I was on the business line, but still in loud mode, I cried, “Airport! Do you want to talk to Steve?”

The pilot on the other end said, “No, why are you yelling at me!”

After answering his questions, I hung up and started laughing — by far too amused to be embarrassed.

Why God chose the pic below, I’m not sure, but He’s on a roll.

bridge - be still by Lady Deidre

You know you live in a Redneck Town when . . .

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My daughter lives in a tiny town in the Midwest. And while getting ready to elope, Jennifer went to the local flower shop to order a small, quaint bouquet of flowers. On the day of her expected departure, she returned to pick up the bouquet and found the flower shop was closed for the day. Knowing one of the owner’s relatives, Jennifer dashed over to the bank.

The mother-in-law said, “Your bouquet is down at the drive-through.”

So Jennifer went to the local beer store, known for the coldest beer in town, and drove up to the window. “Do you have a bouquet of flowers for me?”

Jennifer's flowers“Yes,” the lady replied, grabbing the arrangement. “Oh, how pretty,” the woman gushed as she handed Jennifer a large bouquet of fake lilies complete with leaves, glitter, and rhinestones.

Jennifer, trying not to chuckle, said, “Do you have another arrangement in there?”

“No.” the woman shook her head.

As Jennifer drove away, she called me and explained the situation. “I didn’t know I had to specify real flowers at a flower shop, Mom.”

Laughing heartily, I reminded her that God has a great sense of humor!

Jennifer, in keeping with a good attitude, has decided to keep the flowers forever as a symbol of her and her husband’s new nutty love for one other.

A great big congratulations to Jennifer and Randall — may God Bless your marriage mightily.  With much Love, Mom.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” Ps 126:2

The Odd Things Men Say!

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I quickly trotted upstairs to let Steve know I was leaving the airport. “Lili and I are running errands, and Kelli’s downstairs working on her nursing project for school,” I explained.

“Is she working on a Cadaver?” Steve asked.

“What?” I said dumbfounded.

“You know,” he said, carving an imaginary human with his hands, “A body?”

“No . . . . . . . . . she’s downstairs.”      (The long pause is me wrestling with my tongue.)

Note to travelers: If you see a dead body in our terminal, it’s just Kel working on her nursing project!

Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruits. Prv 18:21

Broadway Show

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Ten of us went on a retreat in Pennsylvania and then off to New York City to see the sites. Now this group is steeped in Christianity and most work full time for the Lord. With that in mind, we decided to see a Broadway Show called Mary Poppins.

Even though Mary Poppins has a somewhat messiah complex with a magic umbrella, we decided that it would be a fairly clean childlike performance worth seeing.

Settling into our seats, we waited in excited anticipation. The curtain rose and the cast glided across the stage, oozing with uncompromising talent. Suddenly, male statues jumped off their stands in light gray, see-through leotards with tiny leaves strategically sewn in place to cover their dainty dangling male parts to dance and sing to a musical tune.

As our group squirmed in their seats, they replied, “I don’t remember this being in the original story!”

News flash — Broadway has it’s very own version of Mary Poppins!

Runaway Grill!

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I was in the backroom when I heard Steve screaming. I thought the man was having a heart attack, so I dashed to the terminal to find him standing in front of the windows.

“What’s the matter?” I cried.

He stretched forth his hand and pointed. “My grill! my grill!!”

I glanced out the window to find the howling wind pushing the cooker due north at top speed.

“Aren’t you going to save it?” I asked, ready to jump at the task.

Steve shook his head. “No, I want to see how far it goes.”

I shrugged. “Well, it’s your grill.”

We stood by and watched the speeding barbeque race across the tarmac toward the 15,000 gallon fuel tank some seven hundred feet away. Thankfully the grill veered away from the large metal object and opted for the grass. When the wheels hit the turf, the cooker did three complete aerial somersaults. I gave it a ten for performance.

Steve cried out triumphantly, “All right!”

Upon inspection, the bent barbeque is now handle free, but it still cooks a mean burger.

Then our mouth was filled with laughter, and our tongue with shouts of joy; then they said among the nations, “The Lord has done great things for them.” The Lord has done great things for us; we are glad. Ps. 126:2-3

Oh, Yeah! We hammered him!

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I was downstairs when I heard furniture scraping across the floor above. Steve never moves anything outside of an airplane, so I dashed upstairs with a journalistic attitude thinking, “This is going to be good.”

“What are you doing?” I asked.

Steve scooted the file cabinet away from the wall. “I got a mouse cornered.”

“Do you want some poison?”

“No!” Steve shook his head. “I want the hoe.”  When I returned with the yard tool, he said, “Now turn it around.”  I watched as the man started hunting a mouse with an upside down hoe, spear style.

Steve stabbed at the critter, but the mouse was quicker and it skirted away. So he chased the mouse and cried out, “Help me! We need to get him cornered.” So I helped him box in the gray mouse again. Steve arched his tool high and brought his weapon down to crush the mighty mouse but the wood handle bounced off the concrete floor and flung the sharp end into his temple. Blood was drawn!

The mouse, sensing a complete moron, got away and scurried into an old heavy metal frame. “Get the hammer,” Steve ordered. (Now it was serious.) With a hammer in my hand, Steve ordered me to the end of the pipe so he could ram the mouse. “Hold the hammer still.”

Now I’m a bit squeamish when it comes to mice, so I wasn’t excited about being that close to a disease-ridden-fur-ball. So I tentatively held the hammer in place, while Steve shoved the stick through the pipe. The mouse plopped out at my feet. Steve yelled, “Hammer him!”

I screamed and brought the hammer down ever so gently on the mouse’s head. (Hey, I’m not out for blood.) The mouse wiggled, and I danced about on my tippy-toes and screamed louder.

Steve kept yelling, “Hit him! hit him! hit him!” The pressure was mounting. I felt like I was in grade school again.

As I squealed, I brought the hammer down on top of the mouse’s tiny head. The mouse jumped straight into the air, and I let out a blood curdling scream that would have stopped traffic on the runway!

Steve cried, “You hit like a girl!” He picked up the semi-conscious mouse by the tail. “I’ll just give it to the cat.”

“Wait!” I cried, “Let me get my camera.”

After the snake and mouse hunting debacles, Steve has decided he doesn’t want to hunt any more!

He was a mighty hunter before the Lord. Therefore it is said, “Like Nimrod a mighty hunter before the Lord.” Gn 10:9

Steve’s Tarzan Tumble

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Reporting live from the funny farm airport! Our latest snake fiasco. For the previous snake story, go here!

Steve spotted a four foot snake crossing the airport driveway and hollers, “Snake!” Then out the door he sprints. “I can get it!”

Now, you must understand, when I asked Steve to be a Tarzan and kill the snake, I mean with a shovel. Steve is not a Tarzan type with rippling muscles who can twist a snake’s head off with his bare hands. He’s a short, round pilot with white running shoes. However, his shoes have never actually reached sprint mode before, nor Steve for quite some time.

Nonetheless, I excitedly dash out the door, camera in hand, to photograph the killing of the beast, but what I witness is Steve lunging toward the hard concrete fast. I thought, WOW, he’s actually tackling the snake. Nice dive, dude! My next thought was, but what if the snake is poisonous.

When I reach his side, he’s lying on the concrete holding his wrist. First, I look for the snake just in case the beast is lying nearby and has reared its ugly head. Then I politely ask, “Did he bite you? Are you okay?”

“No, I tripped over my tennis shoes. I was going to catch the snake by the tail, if it wasn’t poisonous, so you could take a picture of it,” Steve admits.

Dear noble pilot, could you please just kill the snake next time, I’m will to photograph a dead species. For now, I have placed a shovel in the front door as a warning for all trespassing snakes — we aim to kill, maybe.

I have enclosed the crime scene below.

He that diggeth a pit shall fall into it; and whoso breaketh an hedge, a serpent shall bite him.  Eccl. 10:8

Kill The Snake!

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I was sitting with Steve, near the front window, watching him squint. “Is that a snake?” He wondered aloud.

I turned to watch something squirm across the drive. “Ohhh, I could take a picture.”

“You better hurry,” Steve called. The snake was inching his way toward the pond just beyond the fence line.

In my church finery, heels and all, I trotted across the drive. After snapping the photo, I yelled. “You need to kill it.” Of course he couldn’t hear me, so I hippity-hop back to the terminal with my hand slicing across my throat. Sign language for kill the snake. Once indoors, I cried. “Kill the snake. I think he’s poisonous.”

“Leave him alone,” Steve said not budging from his chair. “Let him eat the insects.”

“But he’s copper colored, and he flattened out his body,” I reasoned, while producing the picture on my camera. I knew this piece of evidence would prove I was right and he was wrong. I felt Steve needed to find his Tarzan attitude and kill the massive 6 inch snake.

“He doesn’t have a diamond head,” Steve announced casually.

I sighed that womanly sigh. “But what of the children?” My last hope.

“Do you know how many snakes live by the pond?” Steve arched a brow.

I set my camera down on the table. “I haven’t seen any.”

“Now you have!”

Behold, I have given you authority to tread on serpents and scorpions, and over all the power of the enemy, and nothing shall hurt you. Luke 10:19

Bloopers!

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For those of you who prayed for our family, I thank you. The picture below is just before the storms got messy in the Midwest.

The day after the tornadoes ripped through the countryside, a family member ended up in the hospital. He’s recovering nicely due to a gracious God, which leads me to the blooper of the day.

While my grandson, Lane, and I were in the waiting room, we decided to visit the lavatory. I followed a five year old into the bathroom without thought.

Noticing the miniature urinal, I said, “Oh how nice, they have facilities for grandmothers with grandsons.”

To my surprise, a gentleman walked into the room, and casually nodded his head in greeting and went directly to the vacated stall.

Ewww!

I will bless the Lord at all times; his praise shall continually be in my mouth. Ps. 34:1